[

Feel

|

apathetic

]

I have always thought hate was a strong word.

And I thought I'd never feel it.

Guess what.

I do.

And it sucks feeling like this.

I hate you.

Finally.

[	Feel	|	Love, love, love.	]
[	Listen	|	Spice girls!!!	]

Cat and I spent 20 solid minutes laughing at absolutely cheesy Valentine's cards. Oh gosh. Malupet. I mean, how can people be sooooo cheesy???! Valentine craze is just around the corner and really, everyone just suddenly begins to love the colors red and pink. Hearts and angels become "in." Oh, and Lova Palooza's the greatest event for the couples. All the cheesiness just starts to pour out. Make me gag.

Haha! Okay, wait. I just sounded so bitter about love. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some "F*ck love" desperate girl. I am amused with love and all the crazy things it pushes us to do. Hmmm... I just really can't take cheesy things. Opening one of those "I Will Love You Forever" greeting cards feels like a lump in my throat just wants to come out. That's how I've always been so peace out to all those who patronize such cards.

It's not that I don't like V-day. I actually love it. The first time I've ever spent it with a guy was like two years ago. Eew. Shet. Make me gag again. Surprise, surprise... Who's crushing on him now??? Haha. Life. It's okay though. I don't really mind. Gone were the days when he looked hella good in my eyes. 

Hmm... Tuesday. I have someone to spend it with. Wow. In your face, mahn.

To whoever you are, I really don't want to propose a toast to be cheesy. Casual, maybe. Just not cheesy. SO, note to you. Please. Just please. I don't want any "I would love to spend forever with you" cards. I'm thanking you already for lunch. haha!

Advanced Happy Valentine's Day to all the suckers for love out there! Ha! 

[

Feel

|

Wishing I were 17 again.

]

I really miss high school. Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying college and I'm happy with the new friends I've made, but there are just a lot of things in high school that I'd like to go back to.

I miss learning. I mean, ya, high school was stressful and stuff but I had excellent teachers who really made me want to learn. Mrs. Eala. Mrs. Villalon. Mrs. Villafania. Mama B. Mom E. Sir Angeles. Ms. Villafania. Every meeting was like a chance to know more about life and to appreciate it even more. I miss all the teachers.

I miss the canteen. AC Siomai. Those cheese fingers. My everyday lunch. Our own little Starbucks area. The Coca-Cola huts. The stinky college caf. The manongs and manangs who never got tired of smiling... but there were times that they got grouchy too.

I miss 4-1. Every single one of my stars. Getting through hell weeks was a piece of cake coz we all stuck together. Win together, lose together, play together, stay together. The door that never got fixed. The clock that always ran out of batteries. The homework board that was never empty. The laughter. The tears. The hugs. The kulitan. The inside jokes. Babae Ka. Our little world of crushes. The sisterhood. The friendship.

I miss the Assumpta Court. Our very own "love lounge." hahaha! Bakit nga ba yun pangalan nun??? As Cat and I used to say, "kung gusto mo uminit ulo mo, pumunta ka sa Assumpta Court pag dismissal." haahah! Shet. *fuming*

I miss Bea. Our light. Our angel. Wherever you are, Bey. We love you.

I miss studying hard and partying harder. Then partying hard and studying harder. When the rest of the world just seemed to conspire with you, as Coelho put it. We were just allowed to have the time of our lives.

I miss intrams. We were allowed to yell as loud as we want. Cheer for our batch. Die for our batch. Run towards the center to jump and cheer whether we've won or lost. The green P.E. shirts and the shades and caps. Looking hot under the hot sun. Summer in our own hands. Drama. Triumph. Everywhere we go, people wanna know who we are, so we tell them. WE ARE THE SENIORS... the mighty might seniors. Oooh Aaaah we feel. Oooh Aaaah real good.

I miss AC Dance Troupe. The music. The stage. The bond. The trophy. The struggle. The dance.

I miss SCBA. Service and passion emphasized. Family. Helping out. The Fair. KKK. Clubs. Feel Ko Club Day. Fairpoint drive. Team buildings. Leadership trainings. Ms. Jen. oh and of course... Friday assemblies and the mic.

I miss the uniform. The blouse, necktie, skirt, socks, and black shoes. Plus the id and AC pin. The red plaid. 

I miss my locker that I shared with Bear. The one that we never managed to clean. Our little trash bin. hahaha!

And most of all...

I miss MK. I really do. Every single one of you... Nic and her corny jokes. Paeng and her "gwapo" side. Mica and her plans. Trace and her bone-shaking laugh. Rai and her coach *toot*. Kring and her skateboard. Ner and her money. Jize and her tlc. Yumi and her debates. Jamie and her unsatisfied hunger. Bear and her Mrs. Villalon. Cat and her kabagalan. Our lunches together. Our codenames. Our crushes. Our own world. Our gimmicks. Plus the three boys outside AC. Real boys. EZ and his car. Dino and his senti mode. Luis and his guitar. Wow. When the 16 of us are together, expect total disaster. hahaha! Our struggle. Mein Kampf. oh... and our foundress. Maria Karaan.

IF ONLY I CAN RELIVE THOSE MOMENTS...

Then maybe, I'd be whole again.

[

Feel

|

lalalalala

]

I love to read. I really do. Talk to me about books and I really won't get bored. One thing that my mom and I argued about was using the space in the attic for my own library. I still bug her about it every now and then. I need more space. My bookshelf might just give up any moment.

No. I'm not about to start a book review of The Time Machine like Cat did. (No offense, Cat. I do look up to you for that very well made review. With the research and all.) I just want to write about the book I am currently addicted too.

Ha. Be careful with words. Addicted. Unconsciously, I used that word. It just so happened that the book I'm reading is about obsession. Yes, Paulo Coelho's The Zahir. I am still halfway through the book but I really grab every minute I can just so I can read.

"Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something, which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else."

It's about this writer who is in search of Esther, his Zahir, his wife, who just left without giving any explanation. That's as far as I can go. hahaha! Seriously, it's a major page-turner!

I admire Coelho for his words of wisdom. Really. I do want to meet him. Just one conversation with him. Oh gosh. Dream come true.

[

Feel

|

...

]

Things pass by. This cute shirt may not be cute tomorrow. Dangling earrings may be out of style. Slippers are in today but maybe not tomorrow. Calculus tortures me but tomorrow, maybe it won't.

Even people pass by. I think mom's right. There are people sent to us who are only meant to stay for a certain period of time. What never leaves though is how they've affected our lives. There are those sent to us to remind us that God wants us to be happy no matter how the rest of the world pushes us to think otherwise, but maybe they can't stay for good.

That's why I've learned never to take each moment for granted coz every moment passes us by. And we can never have it back.

It's always a matter of perspective.

So whatever you are worrying about, remember, "This too shall pass."

[

Feel

|

=)

]

Let me write about yesterday.

Yesterday was one of the "jam packed" days of my young life. I tried to do everything not necause I had to, but because I wanted to.

I woke up at around 7am so I could study. I finished Filipino, so one down. Two more to go. These are just tests, by the way. So projects and papers are still waiting to be accomplished.

At around 10:30, I had to leave my dear home to celebrate a really good friend's birthday. During lunch (at this amazingly hella good Italian restaurant), we just kept laughing. So many corny jokes and funny hirits were said. Well, to summarize it, I wasn't able to finish my food coz I kept laughing. lol. After which, we watched Rumor Has It. Personally, I'm not a fan of Jennifer Aniston, but she just made me laugh a whole lot! Watch the movie. =)

Though I wanted to spend more time with this set of friends, I had to leave for... tantananan... Bulacan. I had no idea how to get there and even Mang Jun who knew almost every road in Manila couldn't understand the directions that my dear friend gave. So, I had to ask Rox if she can pick me up at Eastwood. So at around 2:30, I actually journeyed to her mysterious place. haha! I've always wanted to see her place and yes... they do have a lot of... land. Ang lupet! I didn't get to see the cows though coz we really had to sit down and do our project... for... P.E. Yes, we do have a project for P.E.

And no, my day didn't end here. Rox brought me back to Eastwood at around 6 (?). Mang Jun and I had to go to Makati to pick up Cat. Ang lupet ng traffic. Did everyone just decide to go out yesterday??? I was panicking in the car coz I still had a dinner to attend. Paikot ikot na kami ni Mang Jun. I couldn't fight the hunger so I just surrendered to the nearest Mcdo drive through.

When we got to my dear friend's place, they were all done eating. Oh well... I really want to leave a lot of details out. While Cat and I were eating, the rest of our friends kept talking and we just kept laughing... again! hahaha! I missed it that way. I honestly missed those days... Ang dami namin napag-usapan pero hindi yung dapat pag-usapan. To be honest, I didn't know if I was up for it anyway...

We went outside to talk for a short while because our Cinderella had to get home at 11pm. And the best part of the night... we hugged. I knew it's really different now but one thing can never change - the way we hug.

I love this day. I really do. =) And oh ya, when I got home, I didn't sleep. I still read. haha! panalo! 

It's amazing how friends can give you all the energy you need.

[	Feel	|	*click*	]
[	Listen	|	The ringing of the phone and the shattering of the mirror.	]

The click of the phone hurts.

Ya. It does. It really does. It's worse than how words can stab. Ack. One painful click.

I felt invisible.

I badly wanted to run away but I've learned that walking away won't work.

I don't like getting hurt, but I guess pain is inevitable. And right now I just want to escape. I want to break free. I want to keep running.  

Where do I go?

I just can't put the phone down. I don't have the heart to.

And the mirrors around just kept reflecting that cold stare.

Uh, PAU! For crying out loud, SPEAK UP.

*One missed call.*

There were so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask.

Why did you leave when I needed you guys? How could you just stand there witnessing me at my worst? You should know by now that I hate being put on the spot. How can you assume that I was falling apart? No one even bothered to ask how I was.

But amazingly, one hug took all the pain and anger away. And finally, it once again dawned upon me that you still care, that you never really left, that we all just needed our own space.

Yes, like you, I thought I can manage not having you guys around. Obviously, di ko pala kaya.

I miss you guys. I really do. Especially you, Bear. 

And I wait for this phone call. And I challenge myself to break that 'pride rock.'